Breaking Dawn - Meyer Stephenie - Страница 34

She took a deep breath. “It’s not the right thing now.” Her gaze touched her big round stomach and she whispered under her breath, “I won’t kill him.”

My hands shook again. “Oh, I hadn’t heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.”

Her face turned pink. The color was so beautiful—it twisted in my stomach like a knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.

I was going to lose this. Again.

“I don’t know he’s a boy,” she admitted, a little sheepish. “The ultrasound wouldn’t work. The membrane around the baby is too hard—like their skin. So he’s a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.”

“It’s not some pretty baby in there, Bella.”

“We’ll see,” she said. Almost smug.

“You won’t,” I snarled.

“You’re very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk away from this.”

I couldn’t answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip on my fury.

“Jake,” she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. “It’s going to be okay. Shh. It’s okay.”

I didn’t look up. “No. It will not be okay.”

She wiped something wet from my cheek. “Shh.”

“What’s the deal, Bella?” I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. “I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now you’re just giving him up? That doesn’t make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?”

I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldn’t change their direction.

She sighed. “It’s not like that. I didn’t really care about having a baby. I didn’t even think about it. It’s not just having a baby. It’s… well… this baby.”

“It’s a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.”

“He’s not. It’s me. I’m just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can—”

“Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but you’re not fooling me. You know you’re not going to make it.”

She glared at me. “I do not know that. I’m worried about it, sure.”

“Worried about it,” I repeated through my teeth.

She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch being turned off.

“I’m fine,” she panted. “It’s nothing.”

But I didn’t hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink.

She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.

“He’s strong, that’s all,” she said defensively.

The ink spots were bruises.

I almost gagged, and I understood what he’d said, about watching it hurt her. Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.

“Bella,” I said.

She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes confused.

“Bella, don’t do this.”

“Jake—”

“Listen to me. Don’t get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if… ?”

“What if what?”

“What if this wasn’t a one-shot deal? What if it wasn’t all or nothing? What if you just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?”

“I won’t—”

“I’m not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didn’t work out. Try again.”

She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows were mashing together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while she tried to make sense of it.

“I don’t understand.… What do you mean, try again? You can’t think Edward would let me… ? And what difference would it make? I’m sure any baby—”

“Yes,” I snapped. “Any kid of his would be the same.”

Her tired face just got more confused. “What?”

But I couldn’t say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her from herself. I’d never been able to do that.

Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.

“Oh. Ugh. Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some generic substitute? Artificial insemination?” She was mad now. “Why would I want to have some stranger’s baby? I suppose it just doesn’t make a difference? Any baby will do?”

“I didn’t mean that,” I muttered. “Not a stranger.”

She leaned forward. “Then what are you saying?”

“Nothing. I’m saying nothing. Same as ever.”

“Where did that come from?”

“Forget it, Bella.”

She frowned, suspicious. “Did he tell you to say that?”

I hesitated, surprised that she’d made that leap so quick. “No.”

“He did, didn’t he?”

“No, really. He didn’t say anything about artificial whatever.”

Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted. She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. “He would do anything for me. And I’m hurting him so much.… But what is he thinking? That I would trade this”—her hand traced across her belly—“for some stranger’s . . .” She mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.

“You don’t have to hurt him,” I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive. Still a thousand-to-one odds. “You could make him happy again, Bella. And I really think he’s losing it. Honestly, I do.”

She didn’t seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to reason with her?

“Not a stranger?” she murmured to herself. I flinched. “What exactly did Edward say to you?” she asked in a low voice.

“Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me.”

“Not that. About trying again.”

Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that I’d already given too much away.

“Nothing.”

Her mouth fell open a little. “Wow.”

It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet her stare.

“He really would do anything, wouldn’t he?” she whispered.

“I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t tell on him right away. Get him in trouble.”

When I looked up, she was grinning.

“Thought about it.” I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my face.

She knew what I was offering, and she wasn’t going to think twice about it. I’d known that she wouldn’t. But it still stung.

“There isn’t much you wouldn’t do for me, either, is there?” she whispered. “I really don’t know why you bother. I don’t deserve either of you.”

“It makes no difference, though, does it?”

“Not this time.” She sighed. “I wish I could explain it to you right so that you would understand. I can’t hurt him”—she pointed to her stomach—“any more than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him.”

“Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?”

“I don’t think I do.”

I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I wanted it. “Trust me.”

I started to get to my feet.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m not doing any good here.”

She held out her thin hand, pleading. “Don’t go.”

I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.

“I don’t belong here. I’ve got to get back.”

“Why did you come today?” she asked, still reaching limply.

“Just to see if you were really alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie said.”

I couldn’t tell from her face whether she bought that or not.

“Will you come back again? Before . . .”

“I’m not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.”