Fancies and Goodnights - Collier John - Страница 100

Next, he heated his old rusty furnace to the point of incandescence, and baked the clay to a light, porous, and permanent texture. He had given it a low glaze, and tinted it in the most agreeable colours. Finally he borrowed a little money and got his best suit out of hock, and found to his delight that it fitted the figure to perfection, which had not been the case when he himself had worn it. Our friend admired the effect for an hour or two; then he took up the telephone and called Sadie. «Sadie,» said he, «I want you to come around at once. I've a grand surprise for you.»

«I don't think I ought to come around unless we're able to get married,» said she. «It doesn't do a girl any good to be seen going to a sculptor's studio.»

«Don't worry,» said he. «The years of waiting are over. We can afford to flout the conventions, for I shall soon be earning I don't know how many hundred thousand a year.»

«In that case,» she said, «I'll be around immediately.»

Pretty soon she was tapping at the door, and Eustace hastened to let her in. «I can hardly believe it,» said she. «Oh, Eustace, it has seemed so long!»

«Never mind,» said he. «It's all over now. Let me introduce you to the author of our good fortune. This is Mr. Bertie McGregor.»

«Oh, how do you do?» said she with a blush and a smile. «If what Eustace says is true, you are my favourite author from now on. Yes, I think you're wonderful.»

«Wonderful is the word,» said Eustace. «However, you need not go on buttering him up, for he is only a dummy, and the praise is due to me.»

«A dummy?» she cried. «And I have been talking to him all the time! How handsome he is for a dummy! But, Eustace, when I spoke to him first, it seemed to me he smiled and nodded.»

«He is handsome,» said Eustace, «because I took pains to make him so. As for smiling and nodding, that is not unlikely, for I have fixed him up with springs. He is perfect in every particular.»

«Is that really so?» said she.

«Yes,» said he. «I will explain it all to you when we are married. But tell me frankly — you don't think his expression is a little too supercilious?»

«Oh, no,» said she. «I think he just looks sort of cute and masculine; sort of … I'll explain it to you when we are married. But, Eustace, if he is really a dummy, how can he be the author of our good fortune? That sounds a bit like fiction to me.»

«I assure you,» he replied, smiling, «it is straightforward biography.» With that he told her of his great plan. «And here,» said he in conclusion, «is a bill I'm designing, announcing us to the public. I thought we might use your savings, and start in by hiring a hall. I think the lettering is pretty effective. See where I invite the audience to stick pins in him at the end of the performance, to assure themselves that he is not really alive, in spite of his life-like appearance and rapier wit.»

«Shall we really have you don't know how many hundred thousand a year?» said she. «You know how long it has taken me to save up that little nest-egg.»

Eustace pointed proudly to his creation. «Which is the more life-like?» he demanded.

«In some ways he is, and in some ways you are,» responded Sadie.

«Come, come!» said Eustace, «I meant he or Charlie McCarthy.»

«Oh, he is,» replied Sadie. «There's no doubt at all about that.»

«Then there's no doubt about the money,» said Eustace. «And as for your own pitiful little hoard, I've no doubt we'll get it all back the very first evening.» With that he took her in his arms, as masterfully as his somewhat debilitated condition allowed. Suddenly Sadie squealed and thrust him from her. «Eustace,» said she, «I wish you would not pinch me like that, even if we are going to be rich. After all, we are not yet married.»

«Pinch you?» said he. «I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.»

«I didn't say don't dream of it,» said she captiously. «You're in love. You're young. You're an artist. There's nothing wrong in dreaming.»

«I am glad you think so,» said he, «for you must have dreamed you were pinched.»

«No. I wouldn't dream it,» said she, «because I'm a healthy, normal girl, and therefore dream differently. But if you are healthy and normal, as I thought you were, you might very well dream of it, because you are a man. But are you? Or are you a mouse?»

«I am a man, Sadie,» said he. «But hitherto I've been an artist also, and that sort of thing has been absorbed in the creative impulse. Now I am altogether practical, and I expect I shall dream like a demon. Don't let us quarrel, my dear. After all, what's a pinch, be it real or imaginary? Perhaps I did it unconsciously — who can tell? Let us go to the bank and draw out your money, and then we will hire the hall.»

This was done, and Bertie and Eustace were billed all over the neighbourhood in large lettering. The fateful night arrived, and Sadie had a seat in the front row, and nearly twisted her head off looking back to count the audience, for the truth is, she was extremely anxious about her nest-egg.

Her fears were quickly laid to rest, for the hall filled up very pleasantly, and soon the curtain was raised, and there was Eustace bowing and smiling like a Svengali. Bertie also graciously responded to the applause. «What wonderful springs Eustace must have fixed in him!» thought Sadie. «I should think there is hardly anything he couldn't do. Certainly he is very much handsomer than Charlie McCarthy.»

Now the show began, and to Sadie's dismay a slight hitch soon became apparent Eustace took the figure on his knee, and addressed some old and corny gags to it, which he had found in the back pages of the book on ventriloquism. It at once became apparent that he had not studied the front pages sufficiently, for his voice had no more bounce in it than a lump of lead. Moreover, the springs in the figure's jaws obstinately refused to work, and all became aware that Eustace was a lousy ventriloquist

The audience began to hoot and jeer. Eustace, who had no idea of what was wrong, took this to be a sign that they found the performance altogether too good to be true, so he advanced smiling to the foot-lights and invited them to come up straight-away and stick pins in the dummy.

There are always some who find an invitation of this sort irresistible. These filed upon the platform, and were handed out-size pins with souvenir heads on them, but as soon as the first of these was applied to Master Bertie, an agonized «ouch!» re-echoed through the hall and convinced everyone that he was not even a genuine dummy.

This completed the disgust of the audience, who felt they had been taken for two rides, in opposite directions. A riot immediately started; the police burst in, and all the money had to be refunded. Eustace, who had come in a cab, had to stagger home on foot, overwhelmed by Bertie's considerable weight and by Sadie's upbraidings, which were no less hard to bear.

Arrived home, he deposited the figure on the divan, and stood like a man utterly beaten, hanging his head. Sadie continued to reproach him, for she felt the loss of her money very keenly, and no longer believed in the I don't know how many hundred thousand a year. «You did it on purpose,» said she. «You ruined everything on purpose.»

«No, my dear,» said he. «I did not do that. My ventriloquism was not very effective, I admit.»

«Don't be so brazen,» said she. «Don't be so barefaced. That final 'ouch' was the work of a master. You paraded your powers just where they were most destructive.»

«No. No,» said he. «I didn't let out that 'ouch.' I was as much surprised as anyone.»

«If you didn't do it, who did?» said she.

«How can I tell?» said he. «Unless, possibly, it was Bergen, who may have attended the show in a false beard, eager to ruin such a promising rival.»