In Your Heart - Smeltzer Micalea - Страница 13

I was the first to break the quiet minutes later.

“I’m sorry I missed your birthday.” My throat closed up. I’d spent his last few birthdays with him, well not just me, but all of us—Emma, Maddox, Mathias, and Hayes. “I wanted to call you,” I confessed, looking straight ahead at the water.

He swallowed audibly. “Why didn’t you?”

“I was afraid if I did I wouldn’t be able to stop at a phone call. I’ve missed you.”

I’d missed him more than I’d been willing to admit to even myself. The last few years we’d been so impossibly close—and anybody that said that guys and girls couldn’t be friends were liars, because in a way I was closer to Ezra than I was Emma. Girls were always quick to judge, even I was guilty of that, but guys were different.

“I can’t believe I’m twenty-four,” he whispered.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

He shrugged. “I feel like I haven’t accomplished much.”

I snorted. “You have a Grammy, Ezra,” I said, referring to their recent win, “I’d say that’s pretty accomplished.”

He turned to me, his dark eyes shielded by the flap of the hat he wore. “I don’t mean with my career, I just mean with my life in general. I’ve traveled to all these places and had so many amazing opportunities, but I feel like I haven’t ever really lived.”

I mulled over his words, seeing how that would be true. The last few years of his life had become so consumed with music, performing, and traveling, that he hadn’t really had a chance to be his own person. He wasn’t just Ezra Collins. He was Ezra the bassist for Willow Creek.

I rested my head on his shoulder. “We need to change that.”

He chuckled. “How?”

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I guess by finding what makes you happy.”

“Music does make me happy,” he replied. “It’s more that…it feels like something is missing from my life.”

I lifted my head. “We’ll have to keep searching until we find what that is.”

He smiled over at me. “Even if it takes a long time?”

“You know me,” I bumped his shoulder with mine, “stubborn to a fault. I won’t give up until we find it.”

He shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “That’s one of the things I like most about you.”

I frowned, ducking my head. “Even when it made me stay with a guy that wasn’t worth my time?”

His thumb and forefinger grasped my chin, lifting my head so I was forced to look at him. “I don’t believe it was stubbornness that made you stay with him.”

“What was it then?” I asked, truly curious.

He stared down at me for a moment, his lips twisting. “You’re one of the kindest people I know. You love with all your heart and you’re extremely passionate. You choose to see the good in people even when you shouldn’t. I think that’s why you stayed with him.” He nodded at his own words, squinting against the sun.

I swallowed thickly, my chest feeling tight. “You’re too nice to me.”

He shook his head. “I’m being honest.”

Suddenly I felt a tug on the line and let out a small cry. “I think I caught something!”

“Reel it in,” Ezra commanded, gesturing with his hand.

“Oh, right.”

I began to do as he said, fighting against the pressure on the fishing line. He gave me a few pieces of advice, but mostly left me alone.

With a groan I pulled and the fish came out of the water, dangling from the end of the line.

I glared at the tiny thing. It couldn’t have been bigger than five inches.

I turned to Ezra, my mouth turned down in a grimace. “Well, that was anticlimactic.”

He looked from the fish to me and we both burst into laughter.

All the seriousness from our previous conversation drifted away.

“Hold it steady,” he commanded. He’d already reeled his empty line in and set his fishing pole on the dock.

I tightened my hold on the pole and he got the wiggling fish free. He clasped it between his hands. “Do you want to put it back in?”

“I’m not touching that thing!” I cried, scuttling backwards like he might toss it in my lap any second.

He shook his head, laughing under his breath at my antics. He bent forward, lowering his hands into the water. He let go and the little fish swam away.

He grabbed the pole from my hands and fixed more bait onto the end before handing it back to me.

I settled myself beside him once more and we both cast our lines.

“This is pretty nice,” I admitted.

He chuckled. “Does this mean you won’t kill me for waking you up early?”

I smiled, adjusting the brim of the baseball cap I wore. “The day is young.”

“How’s your hand?” He asked me suddenly, steering the conversation in a different direction.

“A little sore,” I admitted, “but it’s worth it.”

He smiled and little wrinkles creased the corners of his eyes. “I’ll never get the image of you punching him out of my head. It was awesome.”

“Even better than when you punched him?” I questioned with a laugh.

He nodded his head eagerly. “Way better. The look on his face was priceless. He didn’t see that coming.”

“Why did he cheat on me?” I asked, looking up at Ezra. “You’re a guy, so tell me, what’s so repulsive about me that he had to seek it elsewhere?”

Ezra reared back, surprised by my random question. “There’s nothing repulsive about you.” He mimicked my tone. “Some guys can’t be satisfied with anybody because they’re not happy with who they are.”

“I feel like I must have done something wrong.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Sadie, the only thing you did wrong was loving someone that wasn’t good enough for you.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I feel like I should feel more hurt, devastated even, but really I’m just confused.” Panic snaked its way through my veins and I looked at him with widened eyes. “I didn’t love him the way I should have. What if I don’t know how to love someone in that way?”

“You do,” he assured me, looking out at the shimmering water, “but you haven’t found him yet.”

I looked up at the sky and the birds flying above us. “I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I spent two years with a guy that stripped me of my identity. I feel like all I have of myself is my store and the rest I’m left questioning. I tried so hard to please him, to make him happy, and in the end I made myself miserable. I was so desperate for it to work out that I overlooked how toxic our relationship was. How stupid is that?”

“You’re human,” he replied. “We have this inane desire to belong to something that is greater than we are on our own. That desire is so strong that we can fool ourselves into believing things that aren’t true.”

“So, I’m not crazy?” I cracked a smile.

“Definitely not crazy.”

His smile was comforting and I reminded myself for the hundredth time that everything would be okay.

I rested my head on his shoulder and then his head rested on top of mine.

A smile touched my lips.

I’d missed this—having someone that understood me completely, even when I didn’t know myself.

I LOCKED THE door leading into my shop, switched the sign to CLOSED, and shut the blinds.

I was exhausted, and certain that this had been the longest week of my life. It had seemed unending as I dealt with phone calls from family and endless Facebook notifications from people wanting to know why Braden and I broke up so soon before our wedding. The gestures would have been nice, if I hadn’t believed that most of them were only asking because they were nosy and didn’t really care that I’d been hurt. I told them all that we decided mutually that we weren’t meant to be. It seemed unfair to let the scumbag off the hook so easily, but I didn’t need everybody knowing all of my business and talking behind my back.

I straightened the clothes and shoes, making sure everything was in order for the next business day.